I just think being a supposed leader is such a tiring thing to do, something that requires so much commitment that many of the times I just choose to avoid responsibility.
I probably won't try for a leadership position in my next part of education.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
still no progress. and more mind-boggling thoughts.
there was a US university/scholarship fair today. it made me question: what exactly do I want to be in life.
there hasn't been an answer, and it should be quite a worrying matter by this time of the year, but what's filled my mind these days have been absolutely unconcerning of these. I did try to find a direction, at least one where I still had love for, but then again it was crushed by the fact that what I have been studying was not eligible for this field.
And so comes the question. What was I doing all these while? Did I simply make the easy decisions that gave me less stress, and not the ones that truly set my future?
there hasn't been an answer, and it should be quite a worrying matter by this time of the year, but what's filled my mind these days have been absolutely unconcerning of these. I did try to find a direction, at least one where I still had love for, but then again it was crushed by the fact that what I have been studying was not eligible for this field.
And so comes the question. What was I doing all these while? Did I simply make the easy decisions that gave me less stress, and not the ones that truly set my future?
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Just a great rush of feelings, emotions and reflections these days
This past weeks have been quite agonizing. I haven't talked to my close friends for a very long time, I've distanced myself from my friends and I even find it difficult to make eye contact with acquaintances. They said JC life was the time where one would form the closest friendships, yet why am I becoming more socially awkward as time passes?
I guess this feeling arose from 2 events that happened in the recent past. One was from a teacher who observed how I was kinda different from the rest. That I was a rather eccentric kid. I was initially in disbelief, but in the past few weeks, as I pondered about it more, it seemed rather appropriate. I found my ways of thinking to be different from normal people. Where normal people could sympathize and engage in feelings with others, which is essentially what makes a friendship last, I found myself to not possess these feelings. The more I think about it, it seemed that most of my friendships were more "official" than personal, in other words, a friendship that blossomed due to circumstances or coincidence. I never made the effort to really confide in people, nor understand their feelings, and that's where I feel extremely regretful and undesirable.
That fateful night when everyone was confessing, a few people thanked others for being a listening ear to them, and being a good confiding partner. It was that feeling of "how come I never experienced that" that really sparked off this intense struggle of how incapable and uncaring person I am.
The second event was when I flipped through the various diaries of the fellow companions that went to Cambodia for OCIP with me. It was through the readings that I realized I never matured, even with the vast experiences that I have gone through. A famous quote that my secondary school CCA used had the meaning of "going through motion" and not maturing from each given experience. As I read through the reflections, I found out more about the internal struggles that each individual faced, but it was apparent in their writing how they showed consistent improvement and reflection in their character development after each experience. This is the anti-parallel to "going through motion".
For me, I went through Dance Night, I was given multiple opportunities in FOs, fac events and POP to realise my flaws. But I never did. I guess it was true, I was living my life retarded. In utmost disgrace, I was happily being oblivious to each experience. What the fuck.
And that has hit me now. It seems I have never changed, I have never matured, and worst of it all, was that I was still back in my old ways in secondary school. Being completely dao and ignorant. I always have that motivation/intention to change, but I just don't know how to do it. It seems like impenetrable barrier which I'll never have the courage to break.
I saw this quote "Deriving happiness from the simplest moments in life" while flipping through those diaries, and it hit me again, what exactly is true happiness. In my selfish nature, was it the materialistic benefits that I received? Because if it was, right now I have come to realise that by doing so, I have neglected the more important aspects of life.
Just what is wrong with me. I want to see a psychiatrist, but then again how is this even a mental problem. It's a fundamental problem with my nature that I have no clue how to solve. I really want to change, and show others that I truly cherish every single friendship, even if I don't show it. I also want people to know that while I really do want to get to understand people more, there's these weird reluctancies that are stopping me from doing so.
In response to my actions to people, I have also developed that feeling that I am close to no one. Or rather no one would actually want to be a friend with me. That level of inadequacy is beyond comprehension. It's all just a vicious cycle "my appearing to be nonchalant about others will also cause others to be nonchalant towards me"
Just how will I become a better person? I really need to start treasuring my experiences and think deeply about them from now on. And if I want to regain those friendships, I better put in effort to change my character first.
haiz.
p.s. i really want to go back to church. but it's these reluctancies thats keeping me from doing so again.
I guess this feeling arose from 2 events that happened in the recent past. One was from a teacher who observed how I was kinda different from the rest. That I was a rather eccentric kid. I was initially in disbelief, but in the past few weeks, as I pondered about it more, it seemed rather appropriate. I found my ways of thinking to be different from normal people. Where normal people could sympathize and engage in feelings with others, which is essentially what makes a friendship last, I found myself to not possess these feelings. The more I think about it, it seemed that most of my friendships were more "official" than personal, in other words, a friendship that blossomed due to circumstances or coincidence. I never made the effort to really confide in people, nor understand their feelings, and that's where I feel extremely regretful and undesirable.
That fateful night when everyone was confessing, a few people thanked others for being a listening ear to them, and being a good confiding partner. It was that feeling of "how come I never experienced that" that really sparked off this intense struggle of how incapable and uncaring person I am.
The second event was when I flipped through the various diaries of the fellow companions that went to Cambodia for OCIP with me. It was through the readings that I realized I never matured, even with the vast experiences that I have gone through. A famous quote that my secondary school CCA used had the meaning of "going through motion" and not maturing from each given experience. As I read through the reflections, I found out more about the internal struggles that each individual faced, but it was apparent in their writing how they showed consistent improvement and reflection in their character development after each experience. This is the anti-parallel to "going through motion".
For me, I went through Dance Night, I was given multiple opportunities in FOs, fac events and POP to realise my flaws. But I never did. I guess it was true, I was living my life retarded. In utmost disgrace, I was happily being oblivious to each experience. What the fuck.
And that has hit me now. It seems I have never changed, I have never matured, and worst of it all, was that I was still back in my old ways in secondary school. Being completely dao and ignorant. I always have that motivation/intention to change, but I just don't know how to do it. It seems like impenetrable barrier which I'll never have the courage to break.
I saw this quote "Deriving happiness from the simplest moments in life" while flipping through those diaries, and it hit me again, what exactly is true happiness. In my selfish nature, was it the materialistic benefits that I received? Because if it was, right now I have come to realise that by doing so, I have neglected the more important aspects of life.
Just what is wrong with me. I want to see a psychiatrist, but then again how is this even a mental problem. It's a fundamental problem with my nature that I have no clue how to solve. I really want to change, and show others that I truly cherish every single friendship, even if I don't show it. I also want people to know that while I really do want to get to understand people more, there's these weird reluctancies that are stopping me from doing so.
In response to my actions to people, I have also developed that feeling that I am close to no one. Or rather no one would actually want to be a friend with me. That level of inadequacy is beyond comprehension. It's all just a vicious cycle "my appearing to be nonchalant about others will also cause others to be nonchalant towards me"
Just how will I become a better person? I really need to start treasuring my experiences and think deeply about them from now on. And if I want to regain those friendships, I better put in effort to change my character first.
haiz.
p.s. i really want to go back to church. but it's these reluctancies thats keeping me from doing so again.
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